I debated for a long time whether or not I should to this. Sharing my lessons learnt from a relationship in a precarious place, change from uncertainty to a place where I feel I am heading in the right direction. Growing from a place of helplessness and loss as I embark on a journey of self discovery, healing and growth.
Truthfully, I am still a long way from saying I am okay with the possible end of my marriage. It scares me to think that we may not be together, that we may have made a mistake.
It scares me to think that we may give up only because we did not know how to clearly say what we want, what we are not getting and how we want to receive it. That we did not know it is okay that we are not okay one hundred percent of the time. That it is okay to disagree, to challenge each other to grow. That it is not okay to stay in silence hoping that it will all go away while we build a wall of resentment, weakening our connection to each other. That we may give up before we have really tried.
I switched from blaming her to a phase of introspection. Painfully realizing, how much I have contributed to our current situation.
I am confused by the moments of tenderness and love we share followed by the silence, seeming indifference and hopelessness.
On my relatively short journey of healing and growth, I have become fascinated by the nature of relationships, read many books on marriage, love, pain, healing and personal growth. I have tried a few online based relationship coaching programs, subscribed to numerous podcasts and even tried to share these with my wife. I have read about stories of endurance and ultimate triumph. I have read about the seemingly impossible virtue of letting go.
I am not an expert by any means. I have a longing to share my experiences and hopefully share some of the things that are working for me and for us, and those that are not and why. You can learn from my mistakes and hopefully save a few bucks by not going down rabbit holes.
This blog will also serve as a marker, a reminder of where I am coming from, and where I am in my journey.