Some just don’t understand do they?
Family, friends and close others sometimes indicate directly or indirectly, “Why do you put up with his/her shenanigans? You would be better off if you just left!”
Or, you may think: “WHY do I put up with this? Why don’t I just leave?”
Please know that the desire to stay, to “work it out” and the need to salvage your marriage or relationship is, indeed, strong.
My experience in over 30 years of clinical experience walking with thousands through individual and marital chaos tells me that most want to save the relationship, even though the behavior of a spouse may border on the criminal.
Why is that, when the pain or distance may seem so great and almost overwhelming?
I believe there are a couple obvious reasons.
Number one: you really KNOW your spouse; better than anyone else.
Intuitively you pick up on his/her pain, confusion, hurt, emptiness and what I call, lostness.
You look and FEEL beyond the surface of his/her life, touch down and are aware of his/her struggle.
You may want to help or, at least, you want to be there, perhaps, to pick up the pieces as s/he moves through healing and personal restoration.
You know the pain may have an end or some constructive form of resolution.
You are a sensitive person. And sensitive people CARE.
Number two: You know that there is a “good” part of him/her.
You remember that part. You remember how much you loved and were attracted to that part of him/her.
The memories are powerful. The memories keep you hanging in there. Your memories give you hope that maybe, just maybe, this too shall pass and the “old” him/her will be recaptured.
BUT, right now, if feels like you are enemies.
There is distance; oh, so much distance. You’ve lost him/her.
It’s as if you are now with a stranger, a distant one, at that.
You don’t feel safe. You don’t trust. You don’t know what will happen next.
It seems as if you no longer truly KNOW him/her.
And, you wonder what to say, what to do next with this stranger that you greet periodically.
Where do you start? How can the enemy barrier be crashed? How can you “reach” him/her?
I’ve created a free report that may help. The report: Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy.”
Here’s how you use it:
1. Learn more about your spouse.
Read “Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy” and learn: How to make the Distancing Spouse right (without wimping out) to create a SAFE FEELING in your marriage.
You will discover 10 common patterns that the distancing spouse uses to cope with his/her pain. You will be less reactive and personalize less his/her acting out behaviors as you understand these common patterns.
2. IF your spouse is somewhat emotionally available and there is a shred of trust, offer the free report to him/her.
Hopefully the title will convey hope.
Hopefully s/he will be able to see and know that s/he is not a “bad person” but merely trying to find his/her way through life.
This MIGHT start interesting and fruitful conversations.
WARNING: This will not be effective for everyone. If there is extreme distance. If there is abuse (emotional, verbal or physical) don’t give it to him/her.
Timing is crucial. And understanding your marriage (is it Red, Yellow or Green?) is vital to using this material effectively.
The goal: you want less tension in your relationship. You want to feel safe. You want a baseline that will generate the warmth and healing.
I’m offering this 24 page, newly created ebook for you to download, and perhaps share with your spouse. In the introduction I talk about the sharing process.
But here’s my catch: before you download it, I want your input.
If you know much about me, you know that when I create a new offer, I crave your input and information about what is front and center of your mind and in your heart as you manage your relationship.
I’m sending you to a short survey. All you need to do is click your preferences, click next and you will go to the page that has the download link.
Go here now: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/NG6H92Q